Come with every wound and every woman you’ve ever loved. Every lie that has rolled off your tongue, every truth you’ve ever swallowed, the blood you’ve washed from your hands and every dirty little thing you’ve done.
Arrive with every memory, secret, regret and all of the ways in which you are not good enough for yourself.
I want your rough hands and foul mouth, your short temper and all of your vices. I want the good with the bad because you are an incredible and terrible mix of both and I
want it all.
I want you just as you are, unchanged, with your strengths, your flaws, vices and every little thing that makes you human. Bring your past that has shaped you, your present that becomes you and every tomorrow here after.
Let. Me. Love. You
“..but I loved him”. That’s what I told my mother as I curled up on the cold tiles of the kitchen floor after coming clean about all of the hells that man dragged me through. Her hands cradled my face, lifting my gaze to meet hers, interrupting my sobs with “..but what do you love about a man that empties you and makes you feel such terrible things so often? How can you convince yourself, and me, and the world that this is love”?
The problem wasn’t him, it was me.
That was my wake-up call. I had to get all the way real with myself and question why the hell I kept trying so hard for a man that made it so obvious with his actions, that he didn’t want me? In doing so, I realised that the problem wasn’t him, it was me. I tried to change, cutting away pieces of myself to fit him. I held my tongue more, I tried to be prettier, softer, less volatile, less awake. I made excuses for his actions and apologised when HE HURT ME. In all my suffering, I had become both the victim and the abuser in this self-destructive chaos that I had romanticised as unrequited love.
I allowed him to hurt me
I could pick apart our relationship and point fingers all day long but when push comes to shove, and it often did.. I stayed. I ALLOWED him to hurt me every time i crawled into the corner of a room letting his words rain down on me like thunder. I ENCOURAGED him to take his rage out on me every time i stayed silent and still praying for the storm to pass. I ENABLED his sick need for power every time i settled on playing the part of the victim. I ACCEPTED his poor excuse for love in continuing to treat that man like a god.
I broke my own heart showing love and loyalty to an undeserving man
I set the standard in which that man would treat me the very first time he showed me disrespect and i did not correct him. There were many times in which i should have run without a second thought or a glance back. “..but i loved him” without cause and without caution, i broke my own heart showing love and loyalty to an undeserving man whilst going without those things myself.
The problem wasn’t him, it was me. Continue reading “The Problem Wasn’t Him, It Was Me”
Lovers turned strangers, twin blue eyes
Two broken hearts lay side by side
A familiar scent, close enough to touch
Yet a million miles separate us
Losing my mind trying to understand yours
The sun will soon rise on closing doors
So grant me one last night with you
To create a memory i can hold on to
Give me your best impersonation of love
Let it be the way i can remember us
It matters to me how this ends
I’m not sure i’ll ever love again
I’m sorry you were not truly loved and that made you cruel. The untruths you swallowed whole that now leave you hungry to devour anything remotely real until there is nothing left of it to make sense of. I’m sorry you were not handled with care in your most fragile of times and that made you exile any form of vulnerability from your future self. I’m sorry you were not comforted when the darkness closed in around you and that forced you to become meaner than the demons that frighten you.
..you’re still frightened. But you’re not scared of me. You’re afraid of the realness, fearful that for the first time in your life you have something that wants to hold your hand in the dark, kiss away your pains and nurture the gentle that you shun from the world ..and that scares the hell out of you. So you pick it to pieces, singling out its flaws because sooner or later you’re going to be disappointed. Right..?
Perhaps I wont disappoint you though. I want nothing but good things for you, I wont break you like the women before me. That’s exactly why you’re terrified. If you let me, I could make you happy, and you know being happy is the most terrifying thing of all. Once you’re happy, it can be taken from you.
My love, only you can take me from you.
I hope the sunrise brings you promise and the sunset brings you peace. I hope you’re at home in your own mind and you sleep easy with the decisions you make. Above all else, I hope you discover happiness within yourself on your journey discovering the world …and should you meet someone else who deserves you, I hope she loves you enough not to hurt you. As much as I want to hold you, I don’t ever want to hold you back.